I received a panicked phone call from my older sister, Debbie, saying that my mother was bleeding out of her mouth and was waiting for the ambulance to arrive.

Two days earlier I heard that my mother had been released from the hospital and would need someone with her at all times in the event the blood clots that resided in her portal and mesenteric veins erupted.

Just before the sun came up, my niece Amanda, was startled by the sound of a dish breaking as it hit the floor. She went to the kitchen and found my mother sitting up against the kitchen cabinet bleeding from her mouth. It appeared that she had been making a cup of tea when she slid down the cabinet and onto the floor. Debbie arrived quickly to see my mother lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood telling her that she did not want to die.

I was just about ready for work when I got the call that my mother was not doing well. I called the office to let them know I would not be in. However, before I could go to the hospital, I promised to take my daughter, Lauren, to school. Lauren needed a little extra time to prepare for her Select Choir audition. We were just about to the High School when I received another phone call from Debbie. There was no hiding the severity of the situation now. 
 
I arrived at Southern Ocean County Hospital before the ambulance. I was alone in the ER waiting room for what seemed to be a very long time. I called my husband Kevin, to let him know what was happening, I suggested he stay at work, and I would keep him posted. What I really needed was space and time to be alone. I was troubled by my own thoughts of wishing my mother dead for so long and realizing that I didn’t really mean it. I’d wished her dead for so long because she once told me she couldn’t love me. 

A feeling erupted out of my soul and it left me empty. I knew in that moment she was gone. I went into the Ladies room to sob and to call my friend, Meg. I said, “She’s gone Meg. I know she’s dead. I can feel it Meg, my mother died.” I told her where I was and she said she’ll be right there.  

When I saw the ambulance backing into the ER doors and my sisters, Debbie and Kathy along with my niece, Amanda, coming around to the entry door, I knew by the look on their faces it wasn’t good. The blood stains on my sister’s shirt and the blood smears on her face told me everything I already knew.

Shortly after, I saw my mother on a gurney being pushed through the swooshing automatic doors. Her eyes vacantly stared open, her head was tilted back and turned to her left. We were asked to wait outside the ER doors until they got my mother settled. The room became eerily silent, we exchanged sad looks with each other and waited. We were ushered to my mother’s beside. Debbie went to her bedside and cried as she stroked her hair. Kathy and Amanda stood at the foot of the bed weeping. Rigor mortis had begun to show in the lifeless taunt of her face that held her mouth fully open which splayed her pearly white dentures. It was difficult to look at her, but I could not look away. 

Meg and her husband, Dave arrived. We stood for a long time surrounding my mother, looking at her lifeless body. I wasn’t sure what my emotional future looked like, but I knew then that the questions I desperately needed to ask her would never be answered.

My mother Melissa, passed away on March 31, 2011. The cause of death: Esophageal Variceal Hemorrhage.
 
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Dee writes to heal, and heals to live.